It starts with a sentence.

I wanna attempt a polyphasic sleep schedule so I have more time to be bored. Plus the idea of being healthier and having vivid dreams sounds good too. I just need someone to do it with me since it involves two weeks of adjustment. (Things are always easier to adjust to with partners).

Starting off, I’m sleepy but until this Mountain Dew wears off from work I’m awake.

50,000 is a big number. A foot is a small measurement. 50,000 square feet is a lot of small measurements that make for a long walk. And a long walk for a troubled soul is like eternity.

Thank you, you know who you are, for easing my mind; with that said, there’s only so much easing a mind allows and mine isn’t one to take a hint.

So I thought over this past year, over the course of a few hours that is.

Ya know, I don’t ever worry. EVER. If you think I’m worrying, I’m juss thinking about my next three moves. Something I blame on my dad. He started me on chess.

See, life is sorta like a chess game honestly.

You start off, and you have everything, and it’s a clean slate. There’s your ‘home’ and where your heart rest, which are your rooks. There’s your ‘faith’, and what you believe in; your bishops. There’s your parents and your friends, which get you out of tricky situations or into them; and those are your knights. There’s what you choose to protect, which could be your family, ideals, etc.; the King which you protect. And there’s the pawns. Throw them under the bus, use them as shields, let them be the mistakes you make.

At that point, it’s juss you vs the world. Use what you will, sacrifice it all, but, above all, win.

Breaking it down.

There’s your opening, where you’re given the tools to deal with life by your family, your friends, or another powerful influence. This is more of a touch and go type of thing since there’s no wrong way. But this is where people define their uniqueness (sp?).

You have your mid-game, how you handle life now that you’re on your own. Depending on what piece you decided to give weight, you could either be well off, or completely screwed. Was faith important? Family? Friends? And will what you kept, help you to win in the end?

Lastly, there’s the close. Live with the choices you made. Make due with what you have. It’s all on you now.

Life is like chess. What’s your board look like?

I played a fast open; All pawns forward but three, and ran through the first defense in a heartbeat. Gave up my faith, had my house taken early, traded friends for family and now I’m here. Several pieces lighter, but now the board is easier to see, and lemme tell you, I’m a beast at that mid-game and I still got three pawns.

Two streaks rise
One thick, bold
the other translucent
fading into the background 
slightest opaqueness tethering

between the two lines
hazed vision
saturation of white
issuing heavenward
billowing wisps
striping the colors of life
with spikes, and curves
like a jagged rip in reality

the background is almost completely visible
before a gray distortion takes over

waves and phases

As I sit here in my seat, I think. Some mundane things. Music is playing, it’s somewhat warm, I don’t feel like going to school today, and my heart is beating abnormal (thanks a lot Mountain Dew). I just finished reading some profound words and right now, sitting and soaking feel like the right thing to do. Eventually I’ll write. Gimme a second. I’m letting the thought come to me.

…

—————————————————————————

Start.

Left. Now follow the curve until you meet a wall with two paths on either side; take the right path. Keep your hand on the wall and eventually you’ll make it out.

And then you realize the walls are only 4 feet tall…

So why are you going to waste time in the maze, when you can skip over hedges?

Without getting too technical with it, let’s blame it on the lines.

——-

Millions of lines

individual purpose

a range of uses

an obvious slave

or a behind-the-scenes master

in plain view

or forgotten and ignored.

The line

is the strokes of your pen forming the letters of a word

is the border of the maze on your paper

is what seperates the colors and shadows in your hand

from the background that is your life.

Line

is everything that is order

structured

outlined

mapped

and ultimately

is what defines pure emotion into something tangible.

And so you realize that everything is defined through lines

and that’s when the ignored, basic building block

becomes an obvious prison

because once there’s a line

you’re contained

you’re aligned

you’re a dot, across from another dot, with a connection. You’re start, and that other point is the end, with a journey in the middle.

With that knowledge, you can decide at least

if you want a straight and narrow run-of-the-mill line

or something a bit less

average

but regardless

it’s up to you

to define the line

or…avoid being defined entirely?

—————————————————————————————

I’m going to be 21 soon. It’s a pretty scary thought for an especially fearless lion but it’s a thought that will eventually be a reality.

Ya know, after I hit 18, my eyes saw this as my next ‘life marker’. It’s that point where you aren’t a teen, you’re an adult by all standards (except possibly a maturity standard) and there’s a few things you should have notched on to your belt. GED, college/ full time job or some ratio of the two, relationship experience, and a general direction, etc.. And all of that has just been an example of where I wanted to be since knowing my next ‘marker’. Until recently that is.

Looking at all the ‘marker’ and what it entails, you might say ‘that’s a good place to be when you’re 21’ or something that makes that stuff look good. And you’re right, somewhat. But profound words, reinterpreted by myself for myself, have made me realize, that sure that’s good; in fact, it’s perfectly AVERAGE.

I’ve been unhappy lately. I’ve felt behind, and I’ve felt like something was….wrong.

I suppose there is something. And it’s that I don’t feel like being average. The worst part is that I’m OK with being average, but a part of me isn’t ok with it as well. I’m fighting myself. I’m fighting myself, and I’m losing. I just don’t have the motivation. I don’t have the drive. I don’t have any long-term goals. I couldn’t think of anything beyond a year to aim to achieve even when I tried. I’m just…not sure what to do with myself lately. I just need a day where I can sit, with a bottle of mt.dew, some good music, and just think.

…

I’ll get back to you on that.

I keep watering this flower

but the dirt is still dry

And while it looks pretty

I can’t tell if it’s alive.

Like a nectar from the gods

I drink your words in

A gift from the earth

I cherish your attention

Like a curse from below

Addicted, obsessed, ensared.

Here’s why I’m writing this piece. This is what gives me the inspiration to write. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME FEEL. This time it just happens to be a negative feeling.

When I wasn’t talking to you and worrying about how you’d react if I didn’t get the chance to talk I got stuff done at least. Give me some space to see my future better if you don’t mind.

————————————————

I see what I want

and it’s clear

most of the time

and so I move forward

seeking

that which I desire

in mind, body, soul

There are moments though

when the path

is blocked

by a gate

with a sturdy lock

and a sign

‘Keep Out’

and being one to follow wishes

I do

Eventually

someone will come along

oil the hinges

unlatch the lock

open the gate

and I will continue

patience is a virtue

I lack

that I’m forced to learn

but a student

is all I am

How long has it been

since the last gate?

and how long

‘til the next?

Try as I might

the increments are variable

I try to gauge

learning from past mistakes

but all I’m really doing

is reacting

but that’s fine

I’m still walking ain’t I?

——————————————

Feel what I feel if you will. There are things in this world worth waiting for, and the journey sometimes is littered with pitfalls and potholes; knowing when to jump over, and when to avoid them is what helps you get through. But sometimes, you walk into things, that weren’t readily apparent, and all you can do is react. Emotion clouds judgment. Hasty actions, and hasty words, only result in setbacks. And sometimes, shit just happens; juss deal with it as it comes.

I don’t get it
what do you want me to be?

I can’t always be happy
There’s a limit to my energy
and sometimes I’m just too tired
too tired to pretend
for your sake
or mine

I’m not what you wish you were
time, life, is moving too fast
and there’s only enough time
to be me
and do what’s gonna make me happy
in the end

and maybe I’m not rich
I’m not tall
or gorgeous, normal, or cool
and while it’s good enough for me
maybe it’s not enough for you
but that’s not who I am
I’m just me
a loser
and that’s fine

I won’t solve world hunger
or cancer
poverty
war
or any of the other things
that could better the world
I lack the ambition
and the drive

So maybe I’m not what you expected
and perhaps you wish more for me
or wish I was more
so you don’t have to see me as I am
but for all I am
I’m just me
and while it’s not good enough for you
it’s my norm.